alone

I just left the house alone. It is the first sunny day and Jennifer, my friend and birth team partner, is holding Lukas while grading papers. I only walked around the block but everything felt different. I felt so alone without little Lukas. I thought that I would desperatly crave such space. Not to have him at my breast wanting milk, wanting. But I felt alone. I wondered who I am in this world right now. Not a worker, not a pregnant woman, and without my baby attached I am not even a mother. It feels as if the season's have changed since I gave birth. I haven't really been out for days. Most of the leaves are off the trees and scrape along the ground around me. I pass by an old man who says good morning to me. I don't get the pregnant woman smile anymore....that look that makes me feel like a blessed gift The look I got for months. Now I am just me.....a red haired woman in a gray coat walking alone on a Friday morning in the late fall.