the new and the old

Today Lukas witnessed the swearing in of President Barack Obama. He was mildly interested as we perched on the floor of a friend and watched history happen before us. Someday this event will be a story that I tell him and while I would have liked a more exciting story….such as a journey together to Washington or the State House or even into downtown Burlington…I decided to stop trying to create exciting stories all the time and do what I felt like doing instead. That is how we landed in the comfortable, convenient and cozy living room of a friend as I fought tears and Lukas studied squirrels out the window.
I have too much time these days. I feel guilty about it. I feel like I should be working more, making more money. I am also with Lukas a lot more which is both wonderful and challenging at times. I feel so caught in our rhythm. Today I was at the grocery store and I felt like I was in ground hog day. “Get the cheese, the milk, some fish, some carrots.” This is my life. This is what we do. Some days that rhythm is so comforting and cozy and safe. Some days I love the routine and security. Other days I feel a bit numb….somehow lost to repetition and without energy to make it exciting or sprinkle it with wise and astute observations. It is so hard to find this balance in working and being at home with my boy. I want to work. I want to make money and challenge myself and grow. I don’t want to be stressed and away from Lukas for long hours. These days I just don’t feel very productive. I make muffins for the neighbors. I take Lukas to the toddler gym. I go for walks. I am busy….but it doesn’t feel like enough somehow. I should make more money….I should use my skills and serve this world in some great capacity. I should….oh sigh….well, at least Barack is in power. He’ll fix everything right? Maybe he’ll even fix this numb, confused, work home balancing act….after all what can’t the man do?