time to love

I am not working as much these days. It is amazing to have time to make dinners and tidy and bake muffins. I can spoil my boys a little more and spoil myself. I don’t need to ignore Lukas in order to get things done. There is space. When I arrive at the end of the day I have energy and can play with my boy and read stories and take time to reflect on him, on us, on what a journey it has already been. We start talking about the possibility of a second child. In some ways it seems silly to be planning a baby. “Hmmmm, do we want a baby in the spring or the fall? Do we want the kids to be 3 or 4 years apart?”
It is ridiculous to think that we have the power to bring yet another human being into this world and that we think we can really choose what season the child should be born in. It also seems ridiculous to think that we would willingly send ourselves backwards into the lucid and sleepless times of infant parenting. That feels so far away. We did that already. How could we possibly choose to do all that again, and with Lukas around this time? If we wait until we are really “ready” for that it will never happen. I know that I want Lukas to have a sibling and I am excited about watching another being unfold before me. I’m curious to see what will be similar and what may be different. I can’t imagine watching Lukas play with a brother or sister. I can’t imagine hearing them talk or watching Lukas try to teach his sibling. I can’t imagine loving another baby the way I have loved Lukas thus far. I also can’t imagine being his mom and being pregnant and nursing continuously. But I do know that I love this little boy so much these days. Watching him tell stories now. The way that he invents things. Cuddling and sleeping next to him. His wide eyed openness. It is so beautiful and so terrifying. Terrifying because I am the one to guide that wide and open being into this world and I don’t want to watch him close up as we all do. I don’t want him to lose his wild confidence and open heart. I just love him and love having the time to love him more and more. I guess I could have enough love inside me for another one…..and maybe love breeds more love. Sigh. Reckless thoughts after a beautiful day with my little one…and a glass of wine.