restless

I’m restless. My son has been asleep for over an hour. I don’t really know what to do with myself and today is not the first day that this has happened. I should be grateful. I should be organized and have a plan but I feel a bit as if I have stepped off a carousel and am not sure which direction I came from or where to go. I want to do everything... at once and be relaxed while I do each thing. I want to read a book. I want to watch a movie. I want to make hot cocoa. I want to do yoga. I want to pump milk. I want to call people. I want to read the paper. I want to paint or write or clean something. Instead I start things and then stop and start another and get lost somewhere along the way. I love that he takes naps. I love that things seem to ease up a bit but somehow I don’t feel as useful as I did before. Before it was simple. He was what I did...all the time. No decisions. Simple. I was essential. I was the lap, the base, the home, the boob. Now I don’t know what to do. He’s too independent and he’s only 10 and half weeks old. Oh good, I think he is waking up….now I don’t have to decide what to do….I just know. I just take care of him.