separate

My relationship to time has changed. I rush everything. I feel constantly that I will be interrupted. He is crying now as we speak. A little gasping and sucking cry that will surely rise into a more desperate wail. I want to go and rescue him from his little wooden cradle…pick him up and tell him that it will be all right and I am here. But I know that I can’t always be here. I won’t be able to pick him up forever and I don’t know when to teach him that. Is it too early at seven weeks? He is so little, so small, so in need. Why do I have to teach this terrible lesson? Why can I not simply sit with him at my breast day and night….perhaps because this is not the way the world is? I have to introduce him and prepare him for the world and the world is not a soft boppy with an eternal food source at your command whenever you wish it. The world is not simply soft arms that hold you. But is he too young to face this difficult lesson? There are so many theories about this….”let him cry, it builds independence.” “Pick him up for the first six months and it will give him a sense of well being and confidence for life.” “Put him on the breast.” “Don’t comfort feed.” I guess that it is up to me. I have to make this call. If I always go to him and hold him when do I have a life? I am a separate being. I need a little space. How do I take it? When I get it…how do I relax into it? I feel this constant rush.
Oh sigh. I hear him cry and in his cries I hear him saying
“I’m so lonely.” “You don’t love me.” “Please listen to me…I’m so sad…I’m desperate…come get me…please…you’re a terrible mother.” Then he is quiet. What made him stop? Is he already learning the lesson? That he is separate. That inevitably we walk this journey alone. No matter how many people we love and who love us, only we can walk in our shoes. Could that be why he is crying….because somehow, since he left the womb, he is slowly coming to understand this sad truth. Maybe I will go to him. Maybe it is enough of a lesson for today. If only I could protect him from this. If only I could make it not so.