the edge

So Jorg, my huband, dropped a bomb on me. He is going to be away for a week. An entire week of 24 hour caring for my son….of waking up in the middle of the night with just Lukas, me and my wild imagination. 24 hours of responsibility. 24 hours of being a grown up. I’m not ready. I already wake up some mornings thinking “wait Lukas just give me a few minutes of caring only about myself before you need anything. I’m not awake enough to be responsible for another human being yet.” I already despise the fact that the first event of my day is changing a diaper. I feel like such a wimp. I mean, I’m a grown up. I should be able to handle being alone with my son for a week. Millions of single mothers do it all the time. But I am not one of them. If I were a single mother I think I would live with other people. I would take in a border. I would become a border. I would never try it alone. I know I need to grow up and deal with it, but I cried. I told him he couldn’t go. I told him it was impossible. If it wasn’t hard enough to be left alone with my little blue eyed bundle, the week that Jorg is going to be gone is the week that the play I am directing is supposed to open. “No. It can’t happen. Tell your boss forget it. Next time you can go. Not now.” I said to Jorg, who sat there patiently waiting for me to calm down. I called my brother. I called my mother. I called my friends. I think that I overreacted. I think that it was just the last straw in the childcare nightmare. Now it is a day later. I have thought about it some more. It has made me reassess all the things that I have taken on. I think I took too much work on. It’s just a balance. I like saying yes to work. I like how working makes me feel. But I don’t like coming home to a crying and desperate son. I don’t like the stress of trying to balance it all. I don’t like the guilt that I feel all the time. I feel guilty when I leave him. But I will continue to work. Just maybe a little bit less. And I will survive a week without Jorg. Thanks to a few very helpful friends. I have met my edge. I am taking a breath. I am going into it.