showing up

This morning my friend Trina called. She asked me how I am. I answered “good” and really I am good. It’s a sunny day. It feels warmer out. I hear new birds outside and that makes me hopeful for spring. I have a few plans for today. Make a soup. Have a friend over for lunch. Our big outing is to go to the library for “shake out your sillies”. It’s all relative. A year ago if you asked me what I want to do for fun it wouldn’t have been going to the library to shake rattles and listen to oldies while a bunch of babies wiggle and crawl around me. But today that sounds great. Today that is an outing and any outing sounds good. Lately I feel like I’m just killing time. I watch the clock. Its 8:00 so that means that he should take a nap soon. He will probably sleep until 9:15 or so and then he will need to eat soon after. I should eat again. Now it’s 12:00 and I should go shopping. Oh it’s Wednesday already, only 2 more days until the weekend. Now it’s Sunday again, almost a new week. Now he is another month old. Time just passes but I don’t want to live my life this way. I don’t want to kill time. I seem to get further and further away from “who I was”….or at least further away from how I showed up in the world. I used to show up as a wacky and zany spontaneous artist….a hiker, a skier, a biker. Now I show up as the mom, I shop, I make food, I clean, I change diapers, I go to the library. I know. I will always be the artist, the wacky woman….but I want to show up in the world that way.Today I am relatively good. If you asked me how I am, I would say “good”. But there is so much more going on. This being a mother is such a big change. I really never knew