silly snow

So we are shut in. Three feet of snow and two very rosy little 4 month old cheeks. No going outside for us. We stand at the window. Lukas is fussy. There is something wrong with his eye. It’s a little glassy and pussy and there is green stuff caught in the corner. I start to feel that I am going a bit mad with the rhythm and the boredom. I am captive in my own house and I so want to go outside. So yesterday we ventured into his room. We never go in there, oddly enough. I lay him on the bed and start singing. I dig out my harmonica and grab my old drum. I try to show him how the drum works. He bangs it and scrapes on it….I think accidentally but maybe there is a progeny hidden in there. Who knows, he could be the next Mickey Hart. He bangs and I play the harmonica and sing. After about twenty minutes we get bored with that. I look out the window and sigh. I am cranky. I want to go outside and play in the snow but I can’t because Lukas can’t. My little ball and chain. It’s too cold out. So we are in here banging on my drum as I sing “We’re jammin’ We’re jammin’ I wanna jam with you….hope you like jammin’ too.” He seems to like it. I’m his personal entertainer. Hey at least that theatre degree finally has a real use. As he starts to wiggle and crank I pick him up off the red plaid bed spread and we head back downstairs for a new scene. I lay him back down on the puppy dog rug and he starts to rub his eyes. I look out the window and watch the snow drift and blow. There will be other storms, I tell myself, but this time with Lukas, this is precious. I will get out later….I tell myself these stories all the time. I mostly believe them. But today I want to be childish. Today I want to be irresponsible and moody and dig into the wound and so I cry. I cry because I can’t go sledding and dig snow caves and be silly in the snow like I did when I was a kid. I’m not the kid anymore, he is. I am the adult….well, almost….I still sing silly songs to him and bang my drum….maybe I am just playing the adult…hey, another use for that theatre degree. It’s gaining in value by the minute.