sensitive subject

Am I becoming insensitive? I got an astrological reading as a gift and during the reading I was told that this would be a very pragmatic year. I could be a bit of a steam roller at times but that this was necessary for my life at the moment, for my new life as a mother. It was what I needed to get things done.
It may be what I need but I don’t think it is what the world needs. I just snapped at a friend who had the unfortunate luck of being the 4th caller during my attempted coffee break. I should have lost it at the telemarketer, not her. I would have just let it ring but there isn’t any way to turn the ringer off on our upstairs phone and I didn’t want to wake Lukas. So I barked at her about how I couldn’t talk and was irritated. I sort of assumed that she wouldn’t take it on, that she would understand my plight but that isn’t fair. In fact it is a bit self-centered. She is also a mother with a very full plate and she was only calling to offer me one of her son’s toys. Well I can’t take it back now. I can just try to understand it. I would just chalk it up to one moment of uncontrolled emotional spewing if I hadn’t done a similar thing yesterday. I went on a very insensitive toy rant.

I was at a friend of my mother’s house. This friend is also a grand-mother and we were playing with her 2 and a half year old grandson when my mother asked me if I liked one of the toys in the nursery. It was a little purple caterpillar with blinking lights by its eyes and the alphabet illuminated and pulsing on its body. It sang songs about the alphabet in a high pitched voice. “No”. I said “I don’t really like blinking and singing toys.” This would have been offensive enough to the owner of the toy, who sat at my side, but I continued. Or, my mother continued. I think she was trying to save me but I didn’t realize it. “What about this one?” She said referring to a little toy train with a frog on it that bobbled up and down. The train sang rail road songs in a voice that resembled the chipmunks. “No.” I said, still totally unaware. “I would rather this one.” I pointed down from my high horse to a little wooden train. “Well, yes that is nice but I think Lukas likes this singing one.” She said raising her voice at the end in a desperate attempt to get my agreement. “Lukas will like whatever he is exposed to. And I don’t want to expose him to toys like that. I think they are obnoxious and annoying and I don’t want….”
“Susan, stop.” My mother said. Then I got it. Why did it take me so long to get it?
I looked at my mother’s friend. “I am so sorry. That was so rude of me. I don’t know who I think I am going off like that.” “It’s really fine.” She said with total sincerity. “It’s not a big deal. They are annoying. But Shannon likes them.” She said referring to her grandson. “I know. Lukas likes them too.” I continued for a while trying to dig myself out of the deep hole I had plummeted into.
I don’t know what is happening to me. I used to be a really sensitive person. I used to be overly sensitive of everyone else. Now I seem to only have enough sensitivity for Lukas. Maybe I am running out. Maybe we only have a certain amount of sensitivity in our lifetime and I used all mine up on Lukas. Maybe I am in a tunnel staring only at my son and myself and I don't see anything else. Maybe I need to open up my vision a little wider. Or maybe I just need to unplug the phone. Call a babysitter. Get out.