walking alone
Help! I have a baby attached to me and my husband is gone for 9 days!
Jorg had a chance to go to Germany for work and I couldn’t really deprive him of that…though he was kind enough to offer that option. So now I am with baby for many days without husband. Luckily Granny J and Grandpa are back….friends have stepped in and I feel ever so supported.
Lukas is very needy these days. He has wised up to all my tricks and it is impossible to even get him to sit by himself. He cries when I even approach his play mat where he often is left. I’m not sure what to do. It just doesn’t seem reasonable that I toddle around with him during his every waking moment. Yet this is what I have done for the last two months. Everyone has a suggestion or comment about what I should or could do but honestly I just don’t see any option right now. He won’t bend for me to sit him down. He goes rigid. He screams in the pack and play. The other day I had to go to the bathroom and since he wouldn’t bend, I laid him down on the floor in the kitchen and watched him flail and scream like an upturned beetle on our hard wood floor. I could only imagine the psychological damage that I was causing at that moment. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for me. I just keep thinking that he is so close to walking. I can just wait it out….or toddle it out. Yesterday he took about 6 steps totally on his own and then grabbed for me before taking a face plant in the dirt. The other day he fell forward so hard that he was still sneezing out dirt the following morning.
Oh sigh, I do love him so much. I feel a bit attached to him myself. I don’t know how to turn it off. I think of him and worry about him even when he is sleeping or I am away. Yesterday was the beginning of the Jewish New Year and some friends of ours came over to celebrate with Challah, Mead, Apples and Honey. We did some reflecting on the past year. We talked about what we want to come into our lives and what we want to let go of. I realized that what I need to let go of is some of MY attachment to Lukas. He is only 11 months old and I can already, even now, begin to let go of this little boy. He was inside me. He was a part of me. I birthed him and then we bonded for months as he suckled and cuddled at my breast. Now he wants to walk. He wants to explore. He thinks that he needs me and my hands to do this. Somewhere inside me I think he needs me too. Some part of me likes being so needed. It makes me feel special and important. But I need to believe that he can do it without me. I need to let him go a little. I need to let him walk alone. I need to let him fall alone. I need to let him learn that he and I can be with and without each other. Somehow I don't think that anyone else could have given me this advise. Sometimes I just have to sit with the dilemma and feel it out. Then the answer seems so clear. It is not easy but it is clear.
Jorg had a chance to go to Germany for work and I couldn’t really deprive him of that…though he was kind enough to offer that option. So now I am with baby for many days without husband. Luckily Granny J and Grandpa are back….friends have stepped in and I feel ever so supported.
Lukas is very needy these days. He has wised up to all my tricks and it is impossible to even get him to sit by himself. He cries when I even approach his play mat where he often is left. I’m not sure what to do. It just doesn’t seem reasonable that I toddle around with him during his every waking moment. Yet this is what I have done for the last two months. Everyone has a suggestion or comment about what I should or could do but honestly I just don’t see any option right now. He won’t bend for me to sit him down. He goes rigid. He screams in the pack and play. The other day I had to go to the bathroom and since he wouldn’t bend, I laid him down on the floor in the kitchen and watched him flail and scream like an upturned beetle on our hard wood floor. I could only imagine the psychological damage that I was causing at that moment. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for me. I just keep thinking that he is so close to walking. I can just wait it out….or toddle it out. Yesterday he took about 6 steps totally on his own and then grabbed for me before taking a face plant in the dirt. The other day he fell forward so hard that he was still sneezing out dirt the following morning.
Oh sigh, I do love him so much. I feel a bit attached to him myself. I don’t know how to turn it off. I think of him and worry about him even when he is sleeping or I am away. Yesterday was the beginning of the Jewish New Year and some friends of ours came over to celebrate with Challah, Mead, Apples and Honey. We did some reflecting on the past year. We talked about what we want to come into our lives and what we want to let go of. I realized that what I need to let go of is some of MY attachment to Lukas. He is only 11 months old and I can already, even now, begin to let go of this little boy. He was inside me. He was a part of me. I birthed him and then we bonded for months as he suckled and cuddled at my breast. Now he wants to walk. He wants to explore. He thinks that he needs me and my hands to do this. Somewhere inside me I think he needs me too. Some part of me likes being so needed. It makes me feel special and important. But I need to believe that he can do it without me. I need to let him go a little. I need to let him walk alone. I need to let him fall alone. I need to let him learn that he and I can be with and without each other. Somehow I don't think that anyone else could have given me this advise. Sometimes I just have to sit with the dilemma and feel it out. Then the answer seems so clear. It is not easy but it is clear.
posted by lukas @ 8:06 AM
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