Buddha

Lukas is teething. He already got his first two teeth at 4 months, but that didn’t seem to be a big deal. He is currently getting 3 new teeth and is fussy and drooling and pushing at me all the time. We finally made it to a baby yoga class. He slept through the last one and despite worries that this week wouldn’t work, we got there. But he didn’t seem so into it. He fussed and pushed and seemed generally stressed. I think it could be his teeth, or his desire to move more or his independence and frustration at being wiggled and manipulated and bopped around like a puppet. Who really knows. Only him....and maybe he doesn't even know.
He wants things these days but can’t really get to them. I know how he feels. He cries more and complains. But he won’t let me cuddle to comfort him, which is sad. His only comfort is standing….a demonstration of his skill and independence. But this means that I hold him. I am convinced that he thinks that the two hands under his armpits are an extension of his own body. He still doesn’t know where I stop and he begins. Sometimes I am still unsure of that. Yesterday in baby yoga, I complimented one of the mothers on her shirt. She responded by saying “what..me? My shirt? Oh, you like MY shirt. Sorry, I was confused…I mean, what’s me?”
I understand. Lately I have been sleeping in the spare room. Partly due to Jorg’s snoring which is a certain kind of torture, but also due to the fact that I feel too connected to Lukas…I am so aware of him and sensitive to his movement and breath, that I can’t sleep. I notice that he wakes up more frequently when I’m in the room too. Somehow we just need our own dream space at night.
I find myself comparing him and already wondering if I have made mistakes. Is he fussy because I pick him up too much, hold him too much, don’t leave him alone enough? Is he big because I over feed him? Is he constipated because I gave him too much applesauce? I don’t know. I just want him to be happy. Yesterday in baby yoga the teacher had us just sit and hold our babies and check in with them. See how they are today. After taking a moment she said,
Now notice if you attached a value judgment such as “he’s a little fussy today, I wish he were in that other mood where he is cute and smiley.” or “He’s in my favorite mood. I love it when he is like this.” See if you can just witness where your baby is at without getting into liking it better one way or another. Somehow I know that. I know that is what I need to do and that will help us to separate. But it isn’t easy. I can’t just be that way with him. I have to let go of attachment and judgment in all my relationships….even to myself. That’s big. Hmm, I guess my babies Buddha nature is extending further than his round little belly.