blah

Its Monday, gray, rainy and me, VPR and a cup of hot coffee (decaf) are sharing the kitchen while Lukas sleeps. It’s been a while since I have written. Lukas and I went on vacation to Florida. We visited my parents in their little tropical paradise. We slept on the sun porch. It was screened in but felt like we were outside. We woke with the sunrise to the sound of the wind blowing palms outside our little room. Lukas was fascinated with his new bare feet and legs. He cried when we returned and I put his socks on. But I don’t feel like reliving it all at the moment. I don’t feel like bragging about my little get away. I feel a bit blah really. I can’t really figure out why. I blame the adjustment to this climate. I blame the lack of sleep. I blame my hernia, which is acting up and making it difficult to do my yoga and sit up routine. I blame the full moon. But really I don’t know what to blame. My external life is actually great at the moment. I am back teaching at the Waldorf School. Spring is here and it’s getting warmer. Lukas smiles and laughs with ease these days. He is eating solid foods. I slept pretty well last night. So, what am I complaining about? I just feel a little bored with it all. I used to say that boredom was a symptom for a lack of imagination. I don’t feel as imaginative these days. I find it hard to dream off into a creative project. I feel like I have to DO something with my free time….I can’t just sit and dream and reflect….and those dreams are usually where my inspiration comes from. I still fear interruption. I have two breaks a day when he naps and I want to use those well. It used to be that he would take an hour nap and I would feel as if I got myself back. These days I am greedy. I want a day. I want a weekend. I loved my vacation with Lukas….but it was a discovery that taking a vacation with your child is not really a vacation. It isn’t the way it used to be. I was still pumping and feeding and watching and caring. It doesn’t stop. Maybe after almost 6 months I need a break. Could that possibly be the reason for this little cloud over my mood? I don’t know but I feel a little tired of being strong. I want to fall down into myself. I want to look after only me. Is that so wrong?