god willing
It’s snowing again. It’s almost Easter and the ground is covered with white and frozen. Lukas is sleeping a lot today. I think he is either going through another growth spurt, or he’s depressed and he’s dreaming of Palm trees. Either way, I’m not going to wake him up. Jorg and I looked at old pictures of Lukas last night from the early days. It made me realize what an intense and amazing time that was. It also made me realize how far we have come….how much of my freedom I have gotten back already. I know that I often complain about how I am impatient to get my life back. I seem to be at a phase where I take two steps forward and one step back. I move closer to my old self and then something changes and we are back to less sleep or a new challenge with the boy.
I guess that I just always thought that some day I would get back to where I was, to what I was. I thought that even if it took a year, two, three, five years….someday it would again be the way it was. Slowly, very slowly I begin to realize that it will never again be the way it was. I realize that between one week to the next….from pregnancy to birth…the entire way that I live my life can change. My self concept, my daily routines, my sense of responsibility, my sleep, my body….all of it changed and it will never again be as it was. But I think that we live in this false reality of believing that we are the same day to day….we try to make things the same so that we feel we have a sense of control when in reality, we don’t have control over anything. We rush around making “plans”. My mother always says “life happens while you are making plans.” Easy to say….hard to really understand. A friend of mine who lived in Morocco told me that the Moroccan people would often follow a statement of a plan with “god willing”. I like this. I think that we need more of this understanding….the understanding that we don’t have the final say on things. Becoming a parent slowly teaches me that I don’t really have control. I don’t have control over my sleep, my baby’s sleep, the changes in my body, who my son will be when he grows up or if it snows in April. I am just a passenger….and what a ride it has been thus far. May the ride continue as beautifully as it has been…..god willing.
I guess that I just always thought that some day I would get back to where I was, to what I was. I thought that even if it took a year, two, three, five years….someday it would again be the way it was. Slowly, very slowly I begin to realize that it will never again be the way it was. I realize that between one week to the next….from pregnancy to birth…the entire way that I live my life can change. My self concept, my daily routines, my sense of responsibility, my sleep, my body….all of it changed and it will never again be as it was. But I think that we live in this false reality of believing that we are the same day to day….we try to make things the same so that we feel we have a sense of control when in reality, we don’t have control over anything. We rush around making “plans”. My mother always says “life happens while you are making plans.” Easy to say….hard to really understand. A friend of mine who lived in Morocco told me that the Moroccan people would often follow a statement of a plan with “god willing”. I like this. I think that we need more of this understanding….the understanding that we don’t have the final say on things. Becoming a parent slowly teaches me that I don’t really have control. I don’t have control over my sleep, my baby’s sleep, the changes in my body, who my son will be when he grows up or if it snows in April. I am just a passenger….and what a ride it has been thus far. May the ride continue as beautifully as it has been…..god willing.
posted by lukas @ 10:33 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home