oh pioneer

So the time has come and Jorg has gone for the week. He left on a snowy Monday morning during a wild April storm. As I cleared slushy snow from the windshield of my Toyota Corolla I felt myself identifying with Pioneer women who held down the homestead. “Lukas” I said “Daddy has gone away and now we must be brave and grown up as we face this challenge.” And here I am. It’s 10:24 PM on Wednesday, Jorg will be back tomorrow, I have had a friend sleep over every night. My friend Jennifer is coming over soon to keep me company in the wee hours should a problem arise. Here I am with all this support in the modern age of computers, phones, radio, electricity, lights and heat. Here I am living on a well traveled street surrounded by neighbors with warmly lit houses and still I find a corner of my home where I can feel safe. I turn on all the lights. I turn on the music. I carry the phone with me. I really don’t know how the pioneer women did do it. It seems to be my constant reminder in times of struggle. Whenever I get frustrated or exhausted with Lukas I say to myself, “Think of the pioneer women with all those children living in the middle of nowhere. Think of how displaced those first settlers felt so far away from their relatives, so far from all that they have known and now in the middle of all this wild territory.” They did it. So you can.
My students had their play tonight. I tried to bring Lukas but it didn’t work. He was tired and fussy and despite much help from friendly parents, it just didn’t work. My students did a great job. I had begun to worry that it was all going to fail, that I had chosen a show that was too complicated, that the parents would hate me and the students would be scarred for life and never want to do another play. A few days ago they didn’t know their lines. We had no set. It didn’t seem possible. But last night when I left Lukas with my friend and went off to the play, I felt elated as I watched them not just make it through but enjoy it and do the show brilliantly. When one student remarked glowingly to me in the parking lot after “It really worked! I didn’t think we could do it but we did.” I was reminded of an Emily Dickinson poem that had always been my favorite in high school. “We never know how high we are- till we are asked to rise- and then if we are true to plan-our statures touch the skies.” Perhaps it is the same with me and the pioneer women. If I were placed in their shoes I would probably just do it. I might not have as much comfort but I would make it through. At least that is what I like to think from my warm and cozy home as I quietly whisper…..yahoo Jorg is back tomorrow!!