seperation

This week I am back to being full time mommy. The play is over and here I am, dropped off at my door with my baby and a stroller and my desire to walk and walk and walk with Lukas….keep moving. Staying here in this house, in this moment, in this stillness amplifies the isolation that naturally comes with being a mother. I sometimes think that I am such a wimp with all this mother stuff. I have so many supportive friends, a wonderful family, interesting neighbors. I have so much community, but still I feel alone in this journey. No one else can do it for me. No one else is responsible for me and my decisions.
Jorg is trying to put Lukas to bed right now. He hasn’t been going down as easily the last few nights and he wakes up and cries. We speculate that it could be some food he is eating or teeth coming in or a full or empty belly. We don’t really know….only he knows. Perhaps it’s that he is realizing that he is separate. Perhaps he is just starting to understand that no one else can really do it for him….I can’t fall asleep for him….and although he is deeply loved and supported, it is his journey. Maybe we all have separation anxiety over and over again throughout life. Maybe it takes a lifetime to really understand that one.