Now

Lukas is 10 months old today. He is almost a year. Last year at this time I was swollen and full. I was full of excitement, fear, expectation. I was gathering birth stories, reading books, taking classes. I was waiting, waiting, waiting. Then he came….he came and for months I felt like I was living in an altered reality. I was having an out of body experience. I was jet lagged. Now here we are. We have some sort of rhythm. We wake and play and eat and sleep and wake and play again. My life just bounces along. All the little moments….the days and days of watching you little baby for some sign of recognition….watching for the eyes to focus….the hands to be able to hold….the first smile. Those days are gone. Now you toddle and babble and try to climb things. You smile and dribble and drool. You laugh and wave and stomp your feet saying I am here now. I am here. But there are so many little things happening now….so many beautiful moments. You holding a flower and waving it at the sky screaming with joy….you laughing loudly as I tickle your tummy. Everyone says that it just flies by but I don’t want it to. Does it have to? Maybe it flies by because we are continually looking for the next milestone….continually watching for the next step…missing that tender moment happening now….the eyes beginning to focus…the hand beginning the grasp….the words forming….the bedtime story….the folding in of this moment….this moment….
I want to be here with you NOW. I want to hold this moment.