holding on

It is hard to fully comprehend the years that have passed since I became a mother.  I realize now how I fought so much of it.  I resented my belly growing bigger.  I was heavy and stretched and afraid.  It showed the world that I was changed.  It meant that I was no longer my twenty something self.  I was a mother.  One of my greatest fears when I was pregnant with Lukas was that my body would not go back to what it was.  Little did I know that nothing would go back to what it was.  I think that I fought the identity of mother right through my pregnancy with Julien.  The strange thing was that while I fought this new identity I completely adored being with my children.  I loved watching Lukas shift and grow.  I loved being the guardian to the world of firsts.  His first strawberry.  His first pony ride.  His first sugar on snow.  I loved the new speed that I was required to travel. (sometimes) 

Now Lukas is seven years old.  He is long and lanky and his feet are growing to be so big. I am finally at ease with this title of mother.  I am not only at ease with it I am deeply proud of what it means to be a mother.  Why does it take me so long to catch up with where I am at?

There are still so many firsts.  Tonight we had our first family movie night.  We watched The Black Stallion.  Lukas wanted to make it cozy.  He brought every pillow into the bed.  (I love that he cares about cozy and he loves having us all there)  Jorg got the heater.  Julien wanted to wear his footie pajamas.  Actually he wanted to wear 4 different pairs of footie pajamas all at once but settled for changing them throughout the movie.  (He has a pajama obsession at the moment.  It was footwear and then it was super hero costumes and now it is pajamas...or his overalls over pajamas.)  I really don't care what he wears as long as he is warm enough.  I get that it is all fleeting and changing. 

I find myself continually looking forward and looking back.  I look back longingly at the early days as they have truly passed and I look forward at the future with apprehension and uncertainty and I look at now with deep gratitude.  Walking Lukas to school.  Walking home slowly with Julien as he jumps in puddles.  Playing board games with them.  Making seasonal decorations.  Making muffins and crepes with Julien.  Reading endless books with them.  Somehow these children try to teach me that I cannot hold on to what is and that I do need to trust that what is to come offers equally beautiful gifts.  Just as I tried to hold onto my twenties in deep fear of motherhood and its strange landscape, so do I cling to their toddler years.  But there are movies to be watched and mountains to be climbed.  Just today Lukas and I were planning how we would be in a band together when he was 21.  He would play the guitar and Julien would play drums or keyboard and I would be the singer.  Who knows.  Really, who knows what it all will bring.  So, as the first snow falls and the boys snuggle in bed I just simply try to feel all this love and then let it all go again....in and out....because I just cannot hold onto it all.