morality
Okay, okay I broke the handle bars off the Radio Flyer bike. I should have said it earlier at the playground when it happened, but I didn’t. The other mommy was playing with her two kids far away on the swing set. So I tried to stick it back on and pretend it was just like that.
The thing is, to defend us, Lukas and I, we hardly touched it. Honestly, he put his hand on one of the handles and I tried to lift it and with hardly any pressure the handles just popped off. It looked a bit old. It was really just bad luck on our part and I was afraid that the other mommy wouldn’t believe me. That she would lecture me on how I shouldn’t touch other children’s toys. I just didn’t have it in me for a confrontation, especially when we really didn’t do anything wrong. So I rationalized it to myself. I thought, those kids are dressed so well, they have more money than us anyway. We don’t have anything like a Raido flyer bike. I convinced myself that if it fell apart so easily it must be something that happens all the time and that they know how to fix it. I figured that they would say “oh well, it broke again, it’s always doing that.” But they didn’t. Later I saw them discover the crime. They were clustered around the bike fiddling and fumbling with it's newly fragmented body. The 14 month old boy was whining to play with it and his older sister was complaining while their mommy was incredulous as to what had happened. This is when I knew that it was wrong not to have said anything. But at this point it felt too late. What could I do? Could I go over and say, “oh yeah, I meant to tell you 10 minutes ago that my son bumped that and it oddly fell to pieces….I was going to tell you….but for the time being I just propped the handles on top. Sorry but it wasn’t our fault.” No. I couldn’t say anything now. It was too late. So, I avoided eye contact. I scooped Lukas up and headed home feeling guilty and sorry and wishing I had just told her in the first place. I realized that if this were to happen a year from now I would have to come clean. I will be the example for Lukas. I will be the ethical role model. Am I ready for that? I’ll be watched and studied and copied.
I wonder if maybe every now and then we have to do the wrong thing just to remember how awful it feels. Just to stretch and reactivate our conscience a little bit. Maybe we do. So maybe it’s good that I had this little work out, got it out of my system before Lukas becomes my tiny looming shadow of morality.
The thing is, to defend us, Lukas and I, we hardly touched it. Honestly, he put his hand on one of the handles and I tried to lift it and with hardly any pressure the handles just popped off. It looked a bit old. It was really just bad luck on our part and I was afraid that the other mommy wouldn’t believe me. That she would lecture me on how I shouldn’t touch other children’s toys. I just didn’t have it in me for a confrontation, especially when we really didn’t do anything wrong. So I rationalized it to myself. I thought, those kids are dressed so well, they have more money than us anyway. We don’t have anything like a Raido flyer bike. I convinced myself that if it fell apart so easily it must be something that happens all the time and that they know how to fix it. I figured that they would say “oh well, it broke again, it’s always doing that.” But they didn’t. Later I saw them discover the crime. They were clustered around the bike fiddling and fumbling with it's newly fragmented body. The 14 month old boy was whining to play with it and his older sister was complaining while their mommy was incredulous as to what had happened. This is when I knew that it was wrong not to have said anything. But at this point it felt too late. What could I do? Could I go over and say, “oh yeah, I meant to tell you 10 minutes ago that my son bumped that and it oddly fell to pieces….I was going to tell you….but for the time being I just propped the handles on top. Sorry but it wasn’t our fault.” No. I couldn’t say anything now. It was too late. So, I avoided eye contact. I scooped Lukas up and headed home feeling guilty and sorry and wishing I had just told her in the first place. I realized that if this were to happen a year from now I would have to come clean. I will be the example for Lukas. I will be the ethical role model. Am I ready for that? I’ll be watched and studied and copied.
I wonder if maybe every now and then we have to do the wrong thing just to remember how awful it feels. Just to stretch and reactivate our conscience a little bit. Maybe we do. So maybe it’s good that I had this little work out, got it out of my system before Lukas becomes my tiny looming shadow of morality.
posted by lukas @ 12:33 PM
2 Comments:
I too have a hard time thinking about the fact that this is the role we will soon be taking in our sons' lives. It feels like yet another example of me being forced to grow up long before I want to.
Not a girl anymore indeed.
so you're the ones who broke my kid's bike!
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