weepy mommy

Lukas is almost a year old now. I know it sounds cliché and I am not naïve enough to believe that time has been flying by, but in retrospect it is all going so quickly. Maybe it is because I know that we cannot go back. As I see him change, I really get what this means and it makes me want to savor the small and tender moments that we have now. I have been a bit weepy this past week. I cry about everything. I cried when I was showing Lukas the red leaves in our yard. He seemed so interested, so excited by them. I know that he won’t always be this way. He won’t always be so totally in awe of the world. He won’t always be so willing for me to share these little things with him.
I cried when I left him with the babysitter this past Monday. I have started rehearsals for my play. I have to be gone from 3:30-10:00 every day and all day on Saturday. It is the longest I have been away from Lukas since he was born. I felt a bit silly sitting on our toy mat with the babysitter crying while I explained to Lukas that I wouldn’t be there when he went to bed but when he woke in the night I would come to him. He nuzzled into my chest and hugged me. How could I not cry?
As the leaves start to change and fall off and we close the porch up and take in the lawn furniture, I get reflective. It is hard not to think back on last year at this time, how I was waiting, sitting and waiting. How excited and nervous I was. How bleary and blurry it all was in the days after the birth. How I just sat in our blue chair and nursed him.
I would wake up in the night with him on me wondering who this little person was. I sometimes resented his constant need of me. I just can’t believe that I will be mother to a one year old. I am so glad to be here, now on this end of things. Lukas is almost a year now. He is beautiful and healthy. I truly love being with him. It feels that we are a family now. I feel so very, very grateful.