The Honeymoon is over

Lukas and I have moved into a new phase of our ever changing relationship. I feel like for quite some time Lukas and I were on our best behavior with each other. Like a fresh new couple we were blinded with love and swept up in the intensity of no sleep and massive transition. We were falling into and discovering each other at the same time. As he grew we shared pure joy and elation with me watching him tackle new challenges….walking, talking, climbing and crawling. Every day was a new adventure. And as I discovered him, I also discovered myself as a mommy. I had a chance to try out all those mommy ideas I had throughout my life…visits to mommy groups, sing-a-long at the library, playground and beach trips. I was the super snack packer and the living room art teacher. I was the dancing in the kitchen with the boy on my hip mommy and the chronic muffin maker. I was auditioning for the role of super mommy and I landed myself a full time gig. The problem is….I can’t keep up. I can’t keep this speed up all the time. I have moods. I get childish. I get emotional. I am not perfect.
Today I am tired. I am sick. Lukas has challenged me all day long. Despite my best efforts to retain my wholesome wonder mommy image…. Lukas defeated me. As he whined and clung and moaned and wanted to tear apart, dump, hide and throw whatever I was trying to do away. I broke down. I got mean. I threatened multiple time outs. I gave him one. I turned my back on him when we were making muffins. He stole the cookbook and lost my recipe page and in our struggle he tore out the page from the book. I took the book and said “No”. I turned away from him and let him cry behind me. I told him he made me mad. I was childish when after his nap (which was only 45 minutes!!!) I attempted to make a Kaleidoscope with him from an old paper towel roll and bits of lavender and he dumped lavender all over me and on the floor. I told him that he made me angry. I said “look at the mess you made.” I finished the Kaleidoscope alone.
It felt as if I was cleaning up the same mess over and over and over again all day long. The same toys, crumbs, broom dragged out, tupperware spilled, carpet moved....again and again.
But as he grabs my hand for the 7th time saying “come play with me….mommy…come play”. (Insert severely whiny and demanding tone.) Or he giggles and runs away as I try to put his boots or coat or hat or ANYTHING on…..I somehow don’t love him any less. He is annoying…no doubt about that. He tests me over and over again. But those months of falling in love, they are powerful. Tonight he asks for me to sleep with him. He puts his leg over my body to make sure that I don’t sneak out before he is really asleep. I hear his breathing steady. He’s my boy. No matter what our moods are, in sickness and in health, for cranky or for cuddly, he’s my boy and there isn’t anything that can change that. (Now if only I can get him to get his own coat on ….hee hee hee and stop stealing the broom!)