new look

This pregnancy is happening. Whether I stop and read the books or not, the baby will come. I feel so different this time. I haven’t sat and written poems about this pregnancy. I haven’t written letters to the baby to be. I haven’t even wanted to. In fact when I move to pick up a pregnancy book or search the internet for images of what the baby looks like I stop myself. I think “Not yet. Later.” I am half way through this pregnancy and I can feel the baby now. It is a tapping and tumbling feeling that won’t be ignored. Another life is brewing and I am not sure how I feel about the impending changes it will bring. I know I will love this little one. I know that I want this baby deeply. I also know that it will rock my world and send tremors through the safe routines that I have spent the last three years constructing.
I decided that it was time to shift over and attend a prenatal yoga class rather than the usual class I go to. I remember going to prenatal yoga when I was pregnant with Lukas. I went when I wasn’t even out of the first trimester. I was searching for community. I wanted mommy friends. I was so eager to align myself with the other women on this crazy journey towards a new life. I was so dreamy. I sat in the first class and felt some sort of kindred connection with all these brimming beings. When I went this past Sunday to prenatal yoga I felt a certain sense of dread as I looked around the room at all these swollen tummies. I watched women waddling to get mats and grunting as they bent down to pick up a block and tie. “Oh no, here we go again.” I thought. I am officially one of them now. There is no hiding it. We all went around and introduced ourselves and how far along we were. I felt like I was at an AA meeting. “I am on number two.” I said, acknowledging my addiction to this club of birthing beauties. I have come back for more.
I have reached the mid mark now. A decision made back before I can even remember is ripening inside me. I have always known that I wanted you little one. I cannot begin to imagine who you will be. How you will round out the imperceptible uneven corners of my existence. I must remember that already our relationship is different than the one that I have with Lukas. You will be different. This birth, this after birth, this life together will be different. I am growing with you. I am growing more and more towards you. I am growing ready for you.