catching up

I am sitting up alone at 11:00 PM. My head is aching. I had surgery today. Skin cancer on my forehead. The procedure wasn’t too difficult. I was cracking dumb jokes the entire time and Jorg was a great support. I can’t sleep though. I slept too much today and I want to wait to take some more pain killers before I attempt rest again. I seem to be amazingly un-phased by the idea of cancer having been on my head or a possible scar across my face. Somehow it just feels like life and I am just glad to be here at the moment.
I haven’t written for ages. When I think of how I would record the tiniest details during the first months it seems sad that I have let so many miraculous moments slip by undocumented. And there have been incredible changes. Lukas grasps abstract thoughts and asks real questions now. He has moved through the “why” stage. He says things like “all the butterflies went up to the sky mommy.” Or “If all the trees were cut down I would be sad.” He makes all sorts of connections. He seems to have cracked some of our parenting tricks too and has started to give me options in the same manner that I had given options to him. “Mommy can I watch one movie or two movies? “ “One or two, yes?”
We just got back from vacation….a house exchange in Montreal. It was great. It is always great to have family time away from home. We played at the house, went to the botanical gardens and visited a railroad museum that Lukas LOVED. He is such a good boy. He tells us now that he loves us. It seems to errupt from really sweet moments and therefore feels truly authentic. He sleeps alone in his room with ease but often doesn’t want me to leave him as he falls asleep. Last night he whined when I left, literally whimpered and so I couldn’t resist and I crawled back in and cuddled him. He won’t want us around forever. I should enjoy it now. We are truly considering another child now. It seems both impossible to embark on the journey again and completely natural. Lukas told me that I should have a baby. He said he wants a brother or a sister or both. He is asleep, sighing away. I can hear the contended sounds of snoring from both Jorg and Lukas. I wonder what Lukas' dreams are like. He is really his own person now. Oh, I am slipping towards sleep again and the pain is calling for drugs. I want to stop and write more…to capture it….but it all keeps shifting and I am just so in it…..moments for reflection to not appear often. I’ll take them when I can. Hopefully the next entry won’t require surgery for me to make time for reflection.
I wasn't able to post this last night and am now posting the following afternoon. Lukas and I had a really mellow day. It was our old pace. The grocery store. Echo for lunch and a coffee for me. I told Lukas this morning that we wouldn't be doing anything big. I said "we are going to have a lonley day, no visitors, just us." He replied "I have you and you have me. We aren't lonley."
It made me cry. Then he told me he loved me and asked if he should kiss my bandaid. I love him so much. Sigh.