falling in

I thought Lukas was well enough for a bath today. It had been an entire week and I was starting to feel like an irresponsible mother. So he and I climbed the stairs to tackle the tub. He didn’t last long before he asked to get out. When he came out I wrapped him in a towel and he just fell into me. He didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to put his clothes on. He didn’t even want Papa to come and carry him into the bedroom to snuggle in a more comfortable location. He gave me his entire freshly washed, soapy smelling weight and I took it with gratitude. The baby in my belly felt his weight as well and began to kick and for the first time Lukas really felt it kick.
“It’s saying hello.” Said Lukas.
“I can say hello too because it can hear my voice.” “Can the baby hear you sing?” asked Lukas as his little fingers played with my finger nails.
“Yes, it can.”
“What songs did you sing to me when I was a baby?” crackled his raspy cold struck voice.
“I sang lots of songs.”
“Will you sing them to me?” Said the warm wet head pressed into my chest.
And so I did. We sat on the bathroom floor until both of my legs fell asleep and his hair was completely dry from my stroking the soft wet tufts. As I sang Hallelujah to him I felt my voice begin to break. What a ride it has been already. Just these three years together he and I. Just us discovering this new world together. This duo. How much we have been through. Loving each other, stuck together against our own will at times, trying to be independent and yet deeply connected. How much is about to change. How precious moments like this are. My little boy in my arms content simply to be held and hear the old songs.