re-birthing

Jorg and I just did acouples pre-natal yoga class together. It was amazing. It really got us connected and thinking about the birth. It reminded me of Lukas’ birth. I think what is most difficult for me is that I really love Lukas’ birth and as I look ahead to the birth of this next baby I fear that it won’t go that smoothly. Everything went so naturally and without fear. I really had very little fear. I had pain. I had massive surges pulsing through my body but somehow I always felt a sense of calm. I felt that being out of control was actually a good thing. I wasn’t supposed to do anything. I just had to ride it out. I felt really with myself and out of myself all at the same time. I had my friends and family there. Lukas was healthy and strong throughout the birth. I felt safe. I keep asking myself “what did I do to prepare?” “How can I do it again?” But I know that I need to let go of that experience. I cannot try to recreate it. Just as this child will be greatly different from Lukas and deeply precious in his own way so will the birth be a separate experience. I know that I have romanticized it. I know that it was amazingly difficult. I don’t want to go into this experience unprepared and with false expectations. And so we have less than 10 weeks (according to due dates and calendars). We have time to find ground. Ground is a little more challenging to find with my son underfoot all the time. Still, there is time and we can make space. We can start to envision what it is that we want. It is important to go in. It is important now more than ever to cultivate faith.