time for a new name

I suppose we will have to change the name of this blog. There is now another little boy in our house. Julien Michael Berger was born on April 14th at 10:40 PM. He was 8lbs 3oz and 21 inches long. It is a strange journey into parenting the second. I feel guilty about how much I compare him to his brother. Of course my memories of his brothers infancy are clouded by nostolgia and sleep deprevation. So much of my journey with Lukas was about simply becoming a mother. As I read my early blog entries I am aware of how I pondered and marveled over every aspect of mother hood. I felt that Lukas and I were in this together. The two of us would work out our new roles. Now that I am already a mother this journey with Julien feels quite different. I am not undergoing the massive transition that I did with Lukas. However, I am torn in a different way. I don't have the time to ponder Julien's baby dreams. I don't have hours to simply stare at him and wonder who he will become. He has to cry more as I can't tend to his needs immediately. I have to put him down more. I am preoccupied with Lukas. I am amazed that when I have moments alone with him they are so peaceful. I can't figure out why I was so stressed with Lukas. When I am with the two of them I simply have the goal that we all are fed and clean and safe....and maybe mildly entertained. Any more than that would be a miracle.
I still am afraid that I won't love him enough. I am afraid that I will love Lukas more....or that I will always wonder how it would be if I had a girl. I feel terrible saying that but they are my thoughts. I know that I have only known little Julien for two weeks and without language yet or the ability to smile or even hold my hand with intention he has a tough job winning me over. What a challenge to decend upon parents....keep them awake all night....demand 24 hour care ....and under these conditions we are introduced and we are supposed to l ove each other....don't get me wrong, I do love him. I hold him and nurse him and am in love with the soft coos that he makes in his sleep and his tiny body that is slowly unfurling. When he is sleeping I stare at him in amazement and great curiosity. I wonder who he will become. I am facinated by him. But I don't feel as precious about it all. I am not inspecting every moment. I also don't feel as afraid and nervous. It all seems to come back to me. There is a great deal of comfort in being with him and much less anxiety than the early days with Lukas. It feels like I am dropping in on an old life that I lived years ago....one that I thought was over...but here I am again...nursing in the chair with the boppy. I wake up at night. I cuddle him in. I remember this....but he is new. He is a different being....somehow I can quite understand that.
All sorts of feelings bubbling up during these first few weeks.....I take each day at a time.