saturated

I knew that one day it would happen, but why now? I am almost 33 weeks pregnant and Lukas has stopped napping. He woke up around 7:30 this morning and now, 12 hours later, Jorg is bringing him to bed. The days are sweet and also so very, very long. Especially, as my energy just seems to escape me these days. I am having this odd issue due to blood flow challenges where I get dizzy and sometimes have blurred vision. I also feel amazingly tired. I cannot imagine seven more weeks to go and all the while the baby will get bigger and my body will cry out for more and more rest while Lukas’ body seems to cry out for less! As I was unloading the dishwasher for the millionth time this week I realized that I was humming “I will survive” and the words took on new significance. I know that women have been pregnant and birthed under circumstances that are by far more challenging. However, I long for quiet and space. This time with just me and my thoughts and the ticking clock gives me so much. I have to admit it. Sometimes I just aim to get through the day, to get to this quiet moment at the end. Is that wrong of me? I love my boy. I love our time together but I am saturated. I wake and am immediately asked to get things and pour things and listen to things and respond to things. Today Lukas asked for me to tell him a story in the car and I told him no. I told him that I needed a little quiet and space. I felt bad but ultimately I think it teaches him that he can ask for space and that he may need quiet too sometimes. He is my life these days. I love him and yet I need to remember myself. Love is such a complicated journey.