working

Jorg had to work late yesterday and so Lukas and Julien and I went to a friends for dinner. I was driving over during the after work rush hour. People were so aggressive on the interstate. Cutting eachother off, tailgating, speeding to get home and enjoy the last of the summer sunlight. I didn't feel that I was a part of this race. I wasn't in a hurry to get back home to relax after work. I wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere. I don't leave work. My evening isn't really any different than my morning or my day or my weekend for that matter. It is all about me and my boys and taking care of them....and trying to take care of myself at the same time. My life is my work. It isn't easy these days. It's exhausting. Sometimes as I am nursing Julien to sleep for the night I play the day over in my head and cannot believe how many things we did..how much racing and rushing there was...how many tears and messes and cuddles and adventures each day holds. Yesterday I woke up and walked into the kitchen where Lukas was wanting breakfast and I was hungry and Julien was babbling on the floor and I turned and walked out. I went to the livingroom and sat down and cried. I cried because I didn't think I could do it. I wasn't sure if I had a whole day's worth of energy for them. Then I wiped away the tears and went to the kitchen and started breakfast and the day went on and we all survived. We did better than survive...dinner was made and the outside pool filled and friends came over and stories were read. We had a great day. While life is full and challenging and the work is non stop (24/7 my mother has always said) I like it. It is the most meaningful and important work I can do in my life. I'm glad not to be a part of the mad race to get home after work. I am thankful not to have to segment my life right now...not to draw a line between my time and my work time. I am working. I'm working harder than I have ever worked in my life.....this is the most physically, emotionally, psychologically challenging job I have ever done....but it is mine. It is my job to shape and fill. It is my role to step into. These are my boys ... and I love them.