written days ago..published now...new chapters

Julien is 16 days old today. As I slowly wake up into this new life of parenting another little boy I begin the great process of reflection. Time in a chair nursing allows me this luxury. It is a luxury that I haven't had since Lukas was a small baby. I pull out the blog book that Jorg made me. I dig through old entries and it slowly sinks in that those times with Lukas....those early days of fumbling around for a new identity are over. Lukas is 3 and a half years old now. He is growing up. It isn't so long until he goes off to school. These baby and toddler years are just so fleeting and irreplacable. I stare at Julien. I am not in love with the lack of sleep or the uncertainty. When Julien was only 4 days old I opened up my blank calendar book and began writing in how old he would be each week. I got until he was about 6 months old and then started to feel it was a bit ridiculous. I look over the first three years of Lukas' life. I remember the slow unfurling into the world of mothers...how every playgroup and library and coffee shop trip was a small triumph. I remember making baby food during naps. I remember rocking the moses basket and cradle until my arm was numb. I remember the trips to Florida and going back to work. I remember doing the play with Vermont Stage and our trip to Germany. I began to balance it all. I felt able and exhilirated and yes, still exhausted. Somehow as I discover Julien I rediscover my initial journey into parenting. That journey began with Lukas. As I begin a new journey with Julien a feel a chapter of parenting has ended and a new one has begun and it is both amazing and overwhelming.