will

Lukas has a will. Everything is a battle. Putting on the coat. Putting on the shoes. Changing the diapers. Putting on the pajamas. He wants everything. He wants the computer if I am on it. He wants the pen I am writing with. He wants whatever I’m eating. The other day I simply ran out of patience. I truly had no more patience. I was changing his diaper. He was rolling over and kicking me and I just grabbed his legs, grunted with exasperation and turned him over, with a bit of force. He stopped fussing, looked at me and got quiet. Then he cried a totally different cry. I felt like the worst mother. I felt that I must be abusing him. I tried to apologize but honestly I was just done. That is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself enough. You just burn out. I was feeling quite burned out the last week. I was sick. Being sick as a mom is just such a different thing. It is unexplainable. You just don’t get a break. You can’t just call in and say that you won’t be coming. You have to get up and bumble through it, dizzy, tired, snotty nosed and coughing. I felt sorry for my self. Then I looked at Lukas who was also sick and I felt sorry for him because I just couldn’t do it as well as usual.
On the flip side of his burgeoning will is his developing personality. He is fully able to walk these days….somtimes a little stumbly but he manages. He plays games with me now. He hides behind the curtain and peaks out with excitement as he giggles and hides again. He likes books and playing with markers and paper. He blew the whistle the other day. He blows when we light candles. He digs through his diaper bag for his snacks. He is so able now in so many new ways. I love him so very much. I just need to learn where the line is between he and me. I need to remember that taking care of him is not taking care of me. Oh sigh…this isn’t a beautifully composed message but honestly I just don’t have the space for those anymore. As bits of freedom appear I get ambitious to cook or do yoga or clean things or work on small projects and I don’t record this as well.

But I want to and so I am letting go of the need to write a pretty and reflective entry. So here it is…..my boy has a will and walks and I am tired…..those are the highlights.