ache

O.K. so it is wearing on me. I am numb with the routine and tired of the weather and tired of complaining. I love my little one. He is growing and moving out further into the world. He is doing exactly as he should do. And what of me? I am plagued with questions about career and sacrifice and ego. I am left feeling sad that I don’t seem to have a real place in the grown up world anymore. I want to feel important. I want to earn money….not just work for child care but to earn. I want someone else to tell me that I am worth something, that what I do is worth something. I feel tired. I feel a bit bored with myself. I feel a little lonely because Jorg is working a lot these days and I want to be patient and to support him. I want some light at the end of it all….some healing super fix it salve that will come and make it all better but this is what it is right now. I want to run away, to find something that I can succeed at, a place where my ego can be affirmed and I can be told how important and great I am. But here I sit blowing bubbles with my one and half year old son and sometimes even his beautiful and perfect giggle can’t make my ache for greatness go away. This is me right now….raw and ragged….tomorrow is a new day.