strangers arms

Lukas has gone to day care for the past two days. The first day I dropped him off while he was asleep. It was a bit vicious but oh so much easier for me. So I convinced myself that he liked it better that way too. It is a small in home place. The kids just sort of toddle around the living room and kitchen and play together. It seems sweet and cozy. They all go outside twice a day. They take a two hour nap. They seem like good and happy children. The woman who runs it had great references (that SHE gave me....skeptic susan) But it is so hard to simply trust another person, a total stranger with my child. Sometimes I wish I lived in a country where families stay together. Children stay with aunties and grandparents and older cousins. It feels somehow wrong to pay someone to care for my child. What he needs most is love. How can a stranger love my child for money? Isn't that a sort of prostitution? I guess not. I guess that I am just being dramatic. I know that I have a tighter community than most but our society just isn't set up in a way that kids stay with family. It is the norm for kids to spend hours upon hours with a stranger who may at some point love them....but not like family. I think that it is good for Lukas to be with other kids. I just have trouble not being with him. Partly because I just like the little guy. I don't want to miss any of this time with him. I know it sounds crazy. I complain all the time about how I need space. Somehow I want both things. I want space and I want to be with him. It is a balance. Today I dropped Lukas off and the other kids hugged him upon arrival. "I love Lukas" proclaimed one little girl as she hugged him. He toddled to the toy box and began digging through it until he found a book. He brought the book to his care giver and she began to read it to the children. I had planned to stay to support Lukas in this transition but he appeared not to need me. So I left. It feels odd pulling out of the driveway. I always feel that I have forgotten to tell his care giver something. "rip up the fruit leather before you give it to him." "Give a drink right when he wakes up." "Take off his grippy socks before you put his boots on." I know she will figure it out. I guess that I also want to be the one in control. I better let that go. Well, here it goes, I have years to work on that one.