change
Although we know that things change, that no moment is truly replaceable, there is nothing like having a baby to really bring this lesson home. I burrow deep into routines and comforts to ignore the fact that life can and is changing every moment. Lukas grows and develops so fast that as soon as I get attached to one of our little rhythms he ditches it for a new endeavor. He has to. It is in his very nature to shrug crawling for walking and babbling for talking. How else could he evolve into a full blown coffee drinking, left side of the bed sleeping, eggs and pancakes on Saturday mornings adult?
We had a snow day on Friday. I got to visit my old, pre-daycare life. It was awesome. We went to the mommy group and chatted and played and ate funny store bought cookies and cakes. Lukas fell asleep in the car and I got his entire two hour nap at home. It was cozy inside and I made carrot soup and buckwheat muffins and felt like super mommie again when he woke up and ate them. Later that afternoon we played in the living room as the light dimmed outside. Nora Jones sang and lulled away the time. Lukas wandered to his little rocking chair and sat down. He looked over to me as I sat in my big rocking chair and he smiled. This will pass so fast I thought. He won’t proudly stick out his tongue or give a high five upon request for long. And the rest of life is changing around me as fast as he is….that is the crazy thing. He is just a visual reminder of how quickly the river is always moving. I had this wave of emotion as I looked at him. It was that pained and beautiful feeling that we call love. Thank you Lukas I said. Thank you for keeping me here in this moment.….for making me change….for reminding me that like you learning to walk, I too must continue to evolve or I will just become a rock in the river….hardened, immobile and eventually in time washed and tumbled despite my futile unconscious stance. Now let’s see if that lesson can stick. I don’t know. I might still need further and future instructions...but let's just wait and see.
We had a snow day on Friday. I got to visit my old, pre-daycare life. It was awesome. We went to the mommy group and chatted and played and ate funny store bought cookies and cakes. Lukas fell asleep in the car and I got his entire two hour nap at home. It was cozy inside and I made carrot soup and buckwheat muffins and felt like super mommie again when he woke up and ate them. Later that afternoon we played in the living room as the light dimmed outside. Nora Jones sang and lulled away the time. Lukas wandered to his little rocking chair and sat down. He looked over to me as I sat in my big rocking chair and he smiled. This will pass so fast I thought. He won’t proudly stick out his tongue or give a high five upon request for long. And the rest of life is changing around me as fast as he is….that is the crazy thing. He is just a visual reminder of how quickly the river is always moving. I had this wave of emotion as I looked at him. It was that pained and beautiful feeling that we call love. Thank you Lukas I said. Thank you for keeping me here in this moment.….for making me change….for reminding me that like you learning to walk, I too must continue to evolve or I will just become a rock in the river….hardened, immobile and eventually in time washed and tumbled despite my futile unconscious stance. Now let’s see if that lesson can stick. I don’t know. I might still need further and future instructions...but let's just wait and see.
posted by lukas @ 6:27 PM
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