wonder mommy
I smashed the passenger side rear view mirror off my car last Monday. I was backing out of the garage and didn’t realize how close I was to the side wall. I was rushing because Lukas was strapped into his high chair due to my fear of leaving him mobile and alone in the house. It was one of those slow motion moments where you see the glass shattering and flying off in a million directions and you hear yourself saying “oh shit, the mirror!” But it’s too late. I was just warming up the car to head downtown to buy Jorg a gift voucher for a class at Firehouse gallery for his birthday. I planned to get my mom a present at Spirit Dancer and stop by the library to return books and let Lukas play. I ended up driving to the Toyota dealer to get a quote and make an appointment to have a new mirror installed. It would cost 160.00 dollars. Great. That was one expensive mistake. I drove downtown and Lukas fell asleep. I carried him around in sub zero weather with him crashed out on my arm. The gallery was closed on Mondays. Spirit Dancer wasn’t open until noon and the Library was closed in honor of Martin Luther King Day. Great. I went home to stew and try to find a silver lining. Lukas slept.
On Wednesday I went for my appointment. I made it for 11:15 so Lukas and I could eat lunch there before I took him to day care. As I sat in the waiting area with Lukas I could feel the other people watching and evaluating my parenting. It was understandable. There was really nothing better to do. It was either me and Lukas or Wheel of Fortune which was on T.V. and people seemed to move back and forth between both options depending on commercial breaks and Lukas’s level of cuteness. I was so proud of myself. I brought along a really good lunch, a hummus and cheese sandwich, a jar of organic baby food (I made sure the organic label was facing outwards) and dried fruit with milk to drink. Lukas and I played on the floor and read books. I chased him around as he pulled at bottles of wiper fluid and explained that one was blue liquid and one was orange but we wouldn’t want to drink them. My audience giggled at my witty remarks and heartfelt explanations of the world. I could almost hear them whisper to each other what a wonderful mother I was. Before we left I changed him and put his coat and hat on. I felt like saying goodbye to my spectators but didn’t want to break the fourth wall, so I simply kissed Lukas in a grand finale and headed for the door.
As I was getting in my car I thought about my perfect mommy portrait. I looked at my new mirror. It had smashed so quickly. It only takes a moment of human absent mindedness. I looked at Lukas. It feels good to make myself into wonder mommy. It feels satisfying and it isn’t really that hard. I love it when it all runs smoothly. But it is so easy to forget something or look away when he trips and falls or make the wrong decision. It all happens so fast. If I create a world with a perfect mom that I can be then I also create her shadow self….bad mom….the mom who forgets to bring lunch or doesn’t pack a diaper or is tired or impatient. Hmmmm, I don’t want to be bad mom. I guess that nobody does. But wonder mommy is oh so tempting and the audience is always there…..even when it’s only me and Lukas.
On Wednesday I went for my appointment. I made it for 11:15 so Lukas and I could eat lunch there before I took him to day care. As I sat in the waiting area with Lukas I could feel the other people watching and evaluating my parenting. It was understandable. There was really nothing better to do. It was either me and Lukas or Wheel of Fortune which was on T.V. and people seemed to move back and forth between both options depending on commercial breaks and Lukas’s level of cuteness. I was so proud of myself. I brought along a really good lunch, a hummus and cheese sandwich, a jar of organic baby food (I made sure the organic label was facing outwards) and dried fruit with milk to drink. Lukas and I played on the floor and read books. I chased him around as he pulled at bottles of wiper fluid and explained that one was blue liquid and one was orange but we wouldn’t want to drink them. My audience giggled at my witty remarks and heartfelt explanations of the world. I could almost hear them whisper to each other what a wonderful mother I was. Before we left I changed him and put his coat and hat on. I felt like saying goodbye to my spectators but didn’t want to break the fourth wall, so I simply kissed Lukas in a grand finale and headed for the door.
As I was getting in my car I thought about my perfect mommy portrait. I looked at my new mirror. It had smashed so quickly. It only takes a moment of human absent mindedness. I looked at Lukas. It feels good to make myself into wonder mommy. It feels satisfying and it isn’t really that hard. I love it when it all runs smoothly. But it is so easy to forget something or look away when he trips and falls or make the wrong decision. It all happens so fast. If I create a world with a perfect mom that I can be then I also create her shadow self….bad mom….the mom who forgets to bring lunch or doesn’t pack a diaper or is tired or impatient. Hmmmm, I don’t want to be bad mom. I guess that nobody does. But wonder mommy is oh so tempting and the audience is always there…..even when it’s only me and Lukas.
posted by lukas @ 6:13 PM
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