learning to pray

Lukas is not well. Something strange the past two nights has left him writhing in pain and inconsolable on our bed. We could do nothing. We could offer him nothing but whispers of love and a promise that it is o.k. but he could feel our fear. Our fear was radiating from our shaky fingers all the way to the strained timber of our steady voices. We have been lucky so far. Lukas has been a very healthy baby. He didn’t have colic. He didn’t have too much trouble going to bed. He was always easy to soothe. We have had a strong and reliable rhythm. He went to bed and stayed asleep until morning. We got used to this. We got used to planning and believing that we have some control. Last night and again tonight we were reminded how terribly vulnerable it is to love….especially to love a child. A child not only loves and is loved but this child depends on us. It is up to us to decide what to do as Lukas goes rigid and red in the face and screams without any apparent reason. Lukas has no choice but to trust us and we are only human. We could make a mistake.
The doctor has said it may be teething, it may be food, it is hard to say what it is. It probably is a passing thing. Who knows? It could be a head ache for all we can tell. But it is hard to shake that thought, the fear that it could be something big, the fear that we could have a “sick child”. What sadness surrounds the house where a sick child lives? I don’t know how I could go on. Not only watching him in pain but also watching him want to play, try to play but not have the energy or ability. If he were really sick we would also lose the happy go lucky little child that lived in the healthy body. Lukas was not himself tonight. He could not play. He did not want to run and be chased around the table giggling. He didn’t want to hide things in our shoes or mischievously pull out the plunger for the toilet and place it in a random spot in our kitchen. He didn’t even want to sit on our laps and hear a story. He just stared and fought sleep as he surrendered to sensation. And we are helpless. Tonight after we finally got Lukas to bed I stood in our dark living room alone and looked up at the sliver moon in the sky. It was one of the first really warm spring days and people were still out on the street walking dogs and running. There was a group of teenage boys goofing off and doing tricks on their bikes in front of our house. I always assume that one day Lukas will be one of those boys. We take so much for granted. There is so much to be thankful for. There is so much that is beyond our control. We have a thousand reasons to learn to pray.