24 hour host

Today as I folded the blanket on the back of our couch for the 10th time I actually thought that it doesn't logically make sense to have children. In parts of the world people have children because they need help keeping their farms running or mainting their homes. They need the help. Some people have children because they believe that it is Gods will and that it would be imoral to use any birth control. There was a time when we actually needed to have children to populate the planet. This is clearly not the case today. So why do we have children? Why do we surrender our bodies to the physical challenges of labor and delivery and a recovery that honestly could take years? Perhaps the body will never truly recover. Or is it only the truly evolved human being that can question this instinctual and illogical drive to reproduce. Having a baby I surrender my body, my career, my mental and physical space, my identity as I know it. My finances are stretched. My home is slowly destroyed. My world is rocked beyond belief and then they leave.


Today I had no patience. It was hot and sticky and Lukas as whiny and moody and wasn't listening. He wanted to climb on me while I was holding Julien or climb all around Julien. He couldn't sit still. He wanted juice and then no juice and then to get it himself and then a special cup and then not that cup and then not with water and then crying followed. It all sounds so minor but when you add the heat and a baby whose mood is slowly spiraling downhill and the fact that I might also want a drink or to eat or to go to the bathroom or to sit down it just became too much. I actually told Lukas to go read a book or find a toy or do something but I needed some space. I just needed some quiet. He climbed on my knee using my poor aching and swollen foot as a ladder and said "Why?" "Why do you need space?" "How do you get space mommy...mommy....how do you get space?" " I don't know Lukas."
Meanwhile Julien has given up napping. He can't seem to go down easily anymore. Lukas likes to "help" Julien go to sleep by joining us in the room and gets really emotional when he can't come in. Today I thought "they are actually going to kill me. I can't survive this. Slowly my body will just give out. My feet already are aching so much at the end of the day that I ice them. My legs tingle. My head aches. How will I survive this?"
O.k. this is just me being dramatic. You know that there is great love there and much joy. Perhaps I already take all those sweet moments for granted. I just want a little one on one time with everyone....with Lukas....with Julien....with me....oh and maybe with Jorg too. Hosting this party 24/7 is simply wearing me out!