monkeys

Everyone is out for a walk. Jorg, his parents, Julien and Lukas. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I feel like sleeping and crying both at the same time. I feel the emptiness of the house in a hollow and lonley way. Last night Lukas was jumping on the bed and his foot got caught in the blankets. He fell with full force on his face. He split his lip and has 4 stitches now. He was really brave. At least that is what Jorg said. I wasn't there. I stayed home with Julien and Jorg's mother and waited the painful 5 and a half hours until Lukas returned. In that time I thought about a lot of things. I thought about how Lukas had tried all afternoon to get my attention. He followed me around the kitchen. He cried when I didn't let him in the bathroom with me and hit the door. He was trying to put on a show for me when he fell. I was changing a diaper and annoyed by Lukas' wild and rowdy behavior. I turned around just in time to see his face make contact with our hard wood floor. Blood rushed out as I evenly called for Jorg, who happened to be working from home, to come with a cloth. It was clear that the cut was too deep for us to care for it and within minutes Jorg and his father were off with Lukas and Annemarie and I sat anxiously doing odd projects and attempting conversation. I cried and lay awake last night not because I was worried that Lukas wouldn't be o.k. but because I was once again reminded how fragile these little boys are. I was reminded of the emmense responsibility that Jorg and I have taken on. I often worry about something happening to me and my not being able to care for these boys but the thought that something could happen to them. That thought is more overwhelming that anything. Lukas tries to smile at me this morning and show me his spider man sticker that he got at the hospital. It hurts him a bit to smile. His lip is so fat and red/blue and the stitches pull a bit. He is crying easily all morning and all I want to do is sleep and cry with him. I almost joined everyone on the walk. I didn't want to be away from my boys. I didn't want to miss a moment to protect and nurture my little ones...but I know that I will be a better mommy if I take a bit of space....cry a little....fall down. I cuddled Julien all night and wished hard for his safe journey through this life. There is only so much that I can do to protect them. Life is full of sharp corners.....but from now on....."no more monkeys jumping on the bed!"