time passing

Yesterday I went through all our pictures since Julien’s birth. We were hoping to print a few copies to give away and put in an album. I was amazed by how much he has changed and how fast it has gone. He is sitting up now. He smiles so easily and laughs when I tickle him or kiss his cheek. He beams at Lukas. He is totally in love with him and Lukas is such a sweet big brother. He tries to comfort Julien and loves to lie beside him on the kitchen floor just watching his face. Julien is eating some food now although he doesn’t love it. He nurses constantly. He nurses every two hours round the clock. It wears me out and I’m starving all the time. Yet I feel totally in love and beautifully grateful. The awareness that things will change and are changing all the time keeps me savoring each moment. While it isn’t easy it is all temporary. Something about having children makes the passage of time tangible. I see myself aging in their undeniable growth. It is impossible to ignore the fact that 4 years has passed when you look at Lukas. He is a young boy now. He asks for privacy when he goes to the bathroom. He articulates feelings. Like this morning when he said that he was sad that Jorg was no longer a little boy but a grown up now. He was sad Jorgs mama and papa lived so far away and he thought papa was sad too. He was sad that everyone in papa’s family was so far away. He thought papa missed them. He then asked for privacy in the bathroom so that he could make a poopee. While time is ticking by as my baby gains hair and Lukas grapples with new concepts it still seems like a blurry eternity ago that Julien couldn’t hold his head up or that he was a little wrinkled bean all fresh from months in water….a pickled fish with wide eyes and grasping open hands. He is a little person now and the last five and a half months have been precious, desperate, exhausted and full of a love. Love that expands into everything….bleeds into my daily life in a way that makes me want to grasp on…stop time…hold this soft and squirming moment in deep stillness. Oh but life is not still at all. In fact….my little baby has now awakened. Time to go up to him….to hold him again and be reminded why all sleep loss….all worried fatigue is worth it …reminded by just one little toothless smile.