Being here

I have been a really unpleasant person today and I can't seem to stop. It all started when I tried to give both boys a bath this morning and had total chaos. I thought I would start with Julien and then he would nap while I bathed Lukas. Lukas did not want to get in and we had major battles and then Julien wanted to go back in after he was dressed and Lukas had been sufficiently bribed to get in the water and then Lukas did not want to get out and then Lukas did not want to get dressed and Julien needed to nurse and nap and blah blah blah and on and on and I got cranky. I still haven't bathed myself. Sigh. Julien is now sleeping in the car. He took a half hour nap this morning. Just as I sat down with my tea and toast he woke up. So I tried to take the boys to story time at the block gallery. Seven Days said it was at noon. I packed up lunch and packed up the boys and went. It was a misprint. The girl behind the counter feigned sympathy but I was so cranky she couldn't have much for me...or rather couldn't have enough. I thought I at least deserved a free coffee. She didn't offer. Lukas begged for a chocolate croissant which ended up being his lunch. I held a fussy Julien and tried to read stories to Lukas while Julien squirmed. I don't like this furrowed brow, edgy and impatient grown up that I have become. I am so far from the mommy I want to be sometimes that it just hurts and I feel mad at the world that I am not able to be the playful and fun super teacher, super baker, super loving mommy that I planned to be. As I slam down the same peanut butter and honey sandwich for Lukas day after day and rush around to make myself a salad while Julien cries and crawls after me I just want to call time out. It just isn't easy with two. I can't meet both their needs and my own at the same time. I just can't. Occassionally, almost by accident, it happens sometimes. Those are blessed moments. This is it though. I am doing my best. The sad thing really is that it will past and I just want to be here for it and enjoy it and sometimes life slams me so hard with responsibility that it's hard to feel all the beauty of this time. I know how precious it is. I know how fleeting it is and that is why it hurts so much to rush and race through on crazy survival mode. Sigh.....this is it. Be here. Cranks, cuddles, curious questions and irritable moments....this is it.