day upon day

We had a glowing few days. Things all just fell into place. We played in the snow and drank hot cocoa. Lukas and I made christmas crafts and gifts for over 2 hours yesterday! He helped all the time. It was so much fun! Lukas and Julien had their first sled ride together. I took a million pictures. I managed to make dinner. We saw friends. The days were full of simple and ordinary events and they felt sweet. But today.....somehow today did not flow quite so well. Lukas was restless and I was a bit cranky. He wanted to be on me all day if not physically then verbally. I wanted space. I wanted to just dream off a bit. I'm also so very, very tired. Julien wakes up every hour or two and wants to nurse and I can't think clearly enough to figure out what to do. I know he would sleep better if he were not in bed with me....but I can't imagine his little hand reaching out for me and finding nobody there. Somehow I would rather endure sleeplessness than the idea that he would feel alone. So night after night I respond. Isn't that what the true meaning of responsibility is? The ability to respond. Today Lukas asked me what it meant to be responsible. I was talking about growing up as we were watching the broadway version of Peter Pan and they were talking about not wanting to grow up. I told him that when you grow up you are responsible for things and some people don't want to be responsible. He said....like you are responsible for Julien and me? Yes. I said....but I like being responsible for you. I like caring for you. I do love caring for them....deeply. This love however, did not stop me from snapping at Lukas unreasonably. I scare myself when that happens...when I lose it with him. He was giggling and annoying me when I was on the phone leaving a message on an answering machine. I hate that. I just sound so distracted and spazzy and I have these wild screaming kids in the back and the idea of that message being out there attached to my identity ungrounds me. I feel like it solidifies me as the lady with the kids and it winds me up. It didn't help that Lukas was non stop tormenting Julien. He puts things on his head and tries to lay on him and giggles as he walks over him. It is so clear that he just wants to get my attention and finally he does. I just lost it. I gave him a timeout and took his baby away and snatched his toy away with such vigor I even made Julien cry. I felt so angry. It scares me in moments like that how much power I have. It scares me how I as the adult can take out my anger on him and how vulnerable he is. I am not accountable to anyone in those moments. I can be mean and cranky with him and he is powerless. I never really understood that before. This makes me want to protect him even more. The adult world is scary. Children don't always have a voice. I must be accountable to myself. I must hold in the reigns of my own emotion. I must learn to take a breath to create a safe space for my boys. However, I must also get the sleep that I deeply need. Sigh...not sleeping makes for an over emotional mommy....so I must also cut myself some slack. Somehow it feels too cliche to moan about sleep deprevation. It also feels like some sort of personal failing if I can't get my baby to sleep how I want him to. Shouldn't I teach him? Shouldn't he know how to do that by now? Am I just immobilized by exhaustion?
Sigh....I am too foggy to wind this up neatly....just wanting to record this passing time....and how one day can shine with such simple joy and the next can feel marred with snippy comments to my child and frustrated and tired whimpers from within.