Walking

Days are tumbling by. Fall is almost over and winter will be coming. Thanksgiving is next week. Julien is seven months old now. Lukas loves playing with him, jumping around in front of him (in a somewhat spazzy manner) trying to make him laugh, putting things on his head though I constantly tell him not to, eating sweets that Julien can't have in front of him while he giggles and says "not for you Julien". Julien is patient though and unbothered and usually quite entertained. He is so good natured (except for at 3AM)
This morning I pulled out Lukas' blog book just to look through it and remember. Lukas looked at it with me and laughed and chose his favorite photos. Then he said "I don't want to look at this book anymore mommy. It makes me sad. It makes me want to be a baby again. I want to be a baby again." He said with his voice breaking up a little.
"But Lukas, babies don't get to eat sweets or run around or ride their bikes. They can't even talk or understand stories...and besides, you already were a baby. It's fun to do something new and exciting like being a four year old."
"I wan't to be a baby and have you and papa hold me like you hold babies. If I can't be a baby then I want to die." This floored me....but I didn't take it too seriously since Lukas talks a lot about dying these days so it wasn't so unusual .... but still. I responded "You don't want to die..being alive is wonderful. Come here....come sit on my lap and we can cuddle." He climbed up and was quiet. I noticed there was a real tear on his cheek. Growing up is hard for all of us. Change is never easy. I hadn't expected this outburst of reflective emotion. I was touched by his sensitivity and self awareness. I sat there cuddling my two boys.
Later that afternoon I took them both for a stroller walk. It was a gray cool November afternoon and we really didn't have any plans. Hours lay out before us until dinner with no playdates or errands on the horizon. We all seemed to need some time to zone out. Julien fell asleep and Lukas was quietly curled up on the other side of the stroller under the blanket...just sucking his thumb and dreaming off. As I walked I thought of what my yoga teacher said the other day in class. She had been walking a labrynth that she walks every day as a practice. She was walking and the words "I am walking nowhere." came into her head. I had the same thought as I wandered aimlessly along the sidewalks just waiting for Julien to wake up and killing some time...getting some space. But my yoga teacher said that shortly after her mind jumped in with another sentence. "I am walking here." And with that thought I took in my surroundings. This may not be an official labryth. In fact it is far from it. It is not a sacred stone path laid out with great intention. It is the cracked sidewalk of Winooski...littered with odd colored eccentric houses prematurley decorated for christmas. It is a gray clustered little city....but it is where I am. I am walking here. My two boys in front of me. A few odd birds calling out into the quiet streets. The moterway hums in the distance. The puddles reflect sky and skeleton tree branches. I'm a mom in the middle of the day out walking and walking and walking. Like Lukas I sometimes wish to go back...back to the familiar...back to a simpler time but this time now, this is so rich and full. This is where I am. I am walking here.