Roots

We are all sick. Julien has been waking up every hour, literally every hour, for the last 5 nights. Lukas had an asthma attack on Monday that caused him to go unresponsive. I was at home watching a friends child and had no way to get to the drug store for medicine because we didn't have enough car seats. I called neighbors and Jorg and my parents. Nobody was around. It was pouring freezing rain and I got out the double stroller and considered putting both kids in it and strapping Julien on me and pushing them up the hill to get medicine...until our great friend Jason left work and got medicine and brought it over. Thank god for friends. I ended up taking Lukas to the doctors and he was officially diagnosed with asthma. Asthma, this odd, common and somehow accepted disease. It's hard to figure out why it happens and when it happens to your child it no longer feels common or accepted. The doctor put him on steriods. I hate him being on it. I hate giving it to him. It feels like poison to me and yet I pour the sickly sugar laced substance on a spoon and give it to my boy. I hate it. Yet I have to believe that it is helping. I don't know what my options are. I don't know what else to do but to trust this doctor we have chosen. Lukas still sounds rattly in his lungs and seems sped up and somehow off. I feel sad. Things are hard right now. Jorg is busy and often not home until 6:00 or later. Julien often needs to go to bed by 6:30 or 7:00 and then Jorg goes up to bring Lukas to bed at 7:00 and I am so tired these days I go to bed as soon as Jorg comes downstairs. We don't eat together. We don't really see each other. It is dark early. The romance of parenting is wearing thin at the moment. I love these little boys dearly. I love making snacks and coming up with fun projects. I love taking walks with them. On Sunday we took a hike in the woods with Lukas and Julien and Lukas really hiked. I was so happy. But life is hard these days and I have never been so tired.
This afternoon I was soooo cranky. My mother gave Lukas a wonderful party in the morning because she wasn't able to be at his birthday. It was beautiful and thoughtful and generous. She also, however gave him a lego toy. It has 342 peices and Lukas wanted to do nothing this afternoon but put it together. I cursed it....literally. It had a thick booklet of instructions telling me which fiddly annoying peice attached to the next. While I put it together Julien needed a nap but wouldn't take it and I needed a snack and Lukas spilled his milk and Julien wanted nothing but to get to every tinee tiny chokable piece and eat them. He cried when I didn't let him. Lukas asked when the toy would be finished over and over and over again. It took me almost 2 hours!!!Sigh. It is now almost 8:00 pm I can't stop sneezing and I am ready for bed. Such is life these days....alas.
While things are hard I still somehow feel grateful. I feel grateful for my family who live nearby and are so helpful. I feel grateful for friends who are honest and open and present in our lives. I feel grateful for my boys who challenge me and fill my life with a richness so dense that it has become the soil that protects these ever growing and deeply winding strong roots.