a few weary thoughts

I should go to bed. Every morning I swear, tonight I will go to bed super early. I never do. The lure of late night quiet always seduces me. Lukas was sick today. Last night he threw up several times. I woke up and was forced (by responsible voices in my head) to cancel our plans of going to meet friends at Echo and to The Skinny Pancake. Instead we stayed home. We played legos. We went for a long walk and met my mother for some adult companionship. I folded clothes and made dinner. Lukas managed to keep what little food he ate down. Julien ate and ate and now has his first tooth poking out.
Jorg came home from work and reminded me of the early days with our boys. How he would take Lukas for summer walks to get him to sleep at night and I would take Lukas for bike rides for some exercise. Those days of evening after dinner walks with our newborn seem like sooooo long ago. Time passes so strangley in the first year of a babys life. Some moments creep and drag and lull through lonley corners. Other times it seems to be slipping away as the clothes that he has outgrown before wearing them dissappear into boxes. I try to stay present to it. In my haze of exhaustion I memorize the tender cuddles and stash away the heart breaking and honest questions.....like when Lukas asked me the other day what would happen if I die when he is still a kid. I could only tell him that I would be sad and that I hope it doesn't happen. He asked if I would love him when I am dead. I told him that I will always love him. He asked where I would go when I die. Where does my skin go. I told him that many people choose to bury their skin but I didn't want that. He said that he didn't want that either. Strange sad and sweetly tender conversations. This job of being a mom is by far the craziest thing I have ever....ever done.