full steam ahead

There was a moment today when I was trying to get both kids in the car at the co-op and I couldn't get my key to open the door and Lukas was wandering the parking lot and Julien, who is sick beyone belief, would not stop crying and I looked at my unshowered, thrown up on, frizzy haired self in the hazy window reflection of my subaru and thought....today parenting two kids feels like being run over by a train only to peel myself off the tracks and see that the train is now backing up and headed straight for me.
Julien is sick and needy. He cried for 45 minutes today and would not be soothed. I have never actually experienced a child crying and not being soothed....by breast or cuddles or carrier or window or reflection in the mirror or water in the sink. Nothing penetrated his misery...or mine...not even Lukas could really penetrate and so then he began to cry. He wanted a snack and I couldn't get to it. He cried because we couldn't go see his cousin and I couldn't cuddle him. I felt so incapable and tired and wondered what I was thinking when I decided to become a parent. However, tonight, after a dinner that was actually quite yummy and a few rounds of Lukas' mouse game in his room and a cuddle with him before bed....I felt o.k.
But I still couldn't soothe Julien and that is hard. He is just so squirmy. He cried to be held and then I hold him and he won't let me cuddle him and he cried to be put down and then cries when I put him down. I guess he just hurts and doesn't know why. There just isn't anything that I can really do to help....and that is hard. Today....today was hard....so many days I think....this is the hardest thing I have ever, ever done. At the same time I think of all the people that have parented in much worse conditions....in much harder times....with less support and I think...why am I such a whimp...sigh....I am....I'm a parenting lightweight...I confess....once again...it is almost 9PM and I am awake and it feels like the middle of the night...gotta go to bed....round number 187 tommorow.....