Sick and tired

I used to be cool, you know, kind of hip, a fun person, playful.......at least, I used to think that I was like that. I toured with a theatre company. I climbed mountains. I was an unstoppable skipper. I used to just skip to release my boundless energy and enthusiasm for life. Some nights I couldn't fall asleep because I was so excited for the next day to start.
So, what happened to me? Today as I sat cranky faced in my frumpy, broken sweatshirt and dirty pants I thought I am so not fun anymore. It doesn't help that I am sick (again!) or that I haven't slept a consecutive 4 hours for eight months now. No, that doesn't help. It also doesn't help that my little love boy Lukas was being a total pain in the but this afternoon. We were just irritating each other. I'm never sure who started it. Was I cranky and irrational first or was he twerpy and annoying first? It doesn't really matter in the end. He was just trying to push my buttons. If he saw that something was bothering me he did it more. He enjoyed following me upstairs loudly when I told him I was bringing Julien to bed and he needed to stay downstairs or be quiet. He laughed when he saw how frusterated I was that Julien would not stop throwing his spoon on the floor. (O.k. I know this sounds minimal and cliche but honestly, when I am hungry and sick and my food is getting cold and my 4 year old keeps asking for another glass of milk or a new spoon or whatever and I just want to eat....that damn spoon on the floor over and over again is enough to make me want to scream...and I almost did...and Lukas thought it was hilarious...which didn't help) Honestly, I don't know why I expect him to be a helpful and socialized little citizen of our family. But I do. I get incredibly irked when he does not act like a nice person and when he does not listen and when he does not help and when he pokes me in the back with a sword 10 times saying "does this hurt or is it just annoying?" while I am trying to eat...which, by the way, earned him a time out....(weird, arbitrary, I can't think of anything else to do but I am mad at you punishment) And Julien, who desperatly needed a nap but missed his window almost fell asleep in his highchair and seems to be teething up a storm....I never believed that teething was any issue. It wasn't for Lukas and I always thought it was a catch all explanation for the unreadable universe of baby's fussiness. But Julien is upset and I think it really is his teeth. So I put him to bed dosed with Tylenol....in his own bed....which is unusual. I need to go to bed soon. It's been a long day of attempted christmas shopping and tree decorating and dinner cooking and I feel sad that I was so annoyed by my children. I want to love them. I do love them. Some days we would all be better off if I could just call in sick.