humanity

The climate is unstable. Wild thunderstorms errupting out of nowhere. Dark clouds that circle but don't drop any rain. Somehow this weather is mirroring Lukas' behavior these days. It is hard to watch. I am not sure how to respond. He is outright naughty at times, mean to Julien, spazzing out with jumping and pushing energy. He slams the door and says "bad mommy" when I tell him not to tap his brother repeatedly on the head or lock the bathroom door or leave toys everywhere or snatch things from Julien. I love him so dearly and yet I feel like he has morphed into this characture of who he was. Am I being dramatic? Probably. I just want to be with him and play with him and I know he doesn't get me at all the way he used to. I am often impatient. I have to tend to Julien. I scold him for taunting Julien and yet I understand why he is doing it. He probably figures why not be naughty.....what am I going to do about it. Before Julien we had a friendship....he didn't want to lose me as his buddy. He protected that. Now I am not playing with him much anyway and there is this new little person around hogging all my love so why not push my buttons....button pushing can me interesting. I can't let him get away with it though. And Julien....he is so sweet these days with his deliberate walk and slow curiosity. How he cuddles into my body and wiggles about. How he smiles and crawls away when I come in the room after naps. Will I forget all this? He will some day be a little boy full of his own eccentric, sweet and challenging behavior and I will find it impossible to believe that he was ever so simply adorable and pure. The other day he played in the garden while I was weeding for almost an hour. He is so content to just explore as long as I am present. Tonight I brought him to bed and sang to him and massaged him and he cuddled in and nursed and slept so peacefully. Listen to me, so in love with Julien....perhaps Lukas senses that. He hasn't been so terrible. The other day I asked him if he thought he had changed since Julien was born....perhaps a bit of a sophisticated question, but he answered that he had. I said how? Did you get bigger? He said yes but more than that. He said, "I changed because I love Julien now and he loves me." He is such a dear and I just want him to be that way all the time. I just love him so much. Oh the challenges of two. How I teeter between them trying to meet and love them both as best I can. I fear I am making some mistake with Lukas....I'm sure I am. I just want to prevent it. What if he grows up to be someone who I don't like....I will love him but what if I don't like him? What if he has a hard time at school? What if the other kids aren't nice to him? What if he lacks confidence because we somehow made a mistake? He came into this world so pure and perfect and sure of himself.....and now he is becoming human.