Here and Now

Julien is exploding with words.  I want to capture it all.  "1, 3, 6"  he counts as he jumps into my arms in the pool on our vacation.  "Eat you with rice mama" he says as he growls and leans in to drool on my arm.  "Kiss" he demands from everyone as he departs any location.  Ah, the power to ask for what you want and either get it or be denied.  This opens up a whole new portal of emotion.  And Lukas is grappling with how to cope with this boy who can demand the only red bowl in the cupboard, the one that he wanted and now Julien is getting the only red bowl and suddenly Lukas has to share.  The old distraction tricks don't work.  Julien can ask for things. 
I try to record things on this blog so I don't forget.  But I realize so much with Lukas now that I do forget.  I cannot for the life of me remember Lukas as he was at two years old and when I watch videos....well, it is cute and sweet but it doesn't really seem like Lukas to me.  Lukas is what he is now.  He is this moment.  He is so in the present and evolving I just cannot look or go back.  I am painfully aware of that now with Julien. I cuddle him with an odd ferocity.  I cuddle him with the knowledge that I cannot go back....not even in memory.  Perhaps this is why I don't record things as often.  Yes, I want to remember but somehow I know it will seem like distant stories about some other child.  Stories I will tell him at some point when he is older.   Stories that may even shape him.....but they will just be that...stories.  He is here and now and if I want to be with him....I better be here and now too.  But I'll still keep writing ..... because I still love the stories and I love to share.