jumpy

No Mama. Julien said for the 15th time tonight since I tried to bring him to bed. 9:40 and I finally surrender and drive him around to get him to sleep. I made the mistake of letting him nap for 2 and a half hours. Tempting at the moment and painful later. He seemed jumpy and wired. I think he was tired but just not tired enough to drift off with ease. It was as if he had an esspresso after dinner when he usually chose tea. He lay in bed reading stories, shuffling his legs and pulling at the blankets. A picture fell off the wall and he couldn't shake it. It totally disturbed him. He had pulled the picture off earlier and I hung it up poorly and at one point in our story he said "no way!" really loudly and the picture fell off. He snapped the blanket up over his head and stayed perfectly still for at least a full minute and then he peeked his eyes out and looked at the wall where the picture was and said. "no no down." "no one. no one." I assured him it was o.k. but he had to go and get papa and show papa and have papa put the picture up. He talked about it all night and couldn't settle. It's amazing how one unexplainable thing happening can rock our world. For him, it was this picture.
After snuggling with a deep asleep Lukas, singing songs, watching cars out our window and a full body massage (which he feigned sleep to recieve and made me use both hands to give!) I gave up and brought him downstairs. I made myself a cup of tea in the travel mug, put on our coats and packed us up into the car. It was only 9 minutes and some NPR late night jazz and he was out. Why didn't I do that earlier?
Driving with him was really sweet and could have been relaxing but I felt jumpy. As much as I try to I can't shake what happened in St. Johnsbury the Sunday before last. It haunts me at odd moments when I am cuddling my boys or enjoying something yummy or simply noticing the warmth of the sun. I am accutly aware that it is possible for one person to take the life of another and I am deeply disturbed by this possibility. As I packed Julien into the car in my dark driveway I felt so vulnerable. I also felt outraged by the fact that every time a crime like this is commited, especially against a woman and now particularly against a mother of a small child, I feel a peice of my security and my sense of saftey in the world is destroyed and I don't know how to get it back. I don't want to be jumpy. I don't want to be waiting and searching the dark windows at night. I want to raise my boys in a world that feels safe. A world where I feel that I can protect them. I want to be the one who hangs the picture back up on the wall. I want to say
"It's o.k. You don't need to be afraid." to my boys....and mean it.