Thin Blue Line

Julien is exploding with words. Up, down, house, fish, apple....new words all day long.
He is also exploding all our drawers and cupboards. He endlessly pulls out measuring cups, tupperware, paper and pens. Bags left by the door are not safe from his curious and fast fingers. He follows Lukas around wanting to do and say and be everything that Lukas is. "And Me" He says, over and over again all day long.
Last night Jorg and I had a date. It was really simple and sweet. We went to dinner at Leunigs and then wandered up the street to browse peacefully and nostolgically at Crow Bookstore (where Jorg immediatly went to the children's books and I ended up in the parenting section! Ah, a night away from the kids...) I waited tables at Leunigs for over 6 years in my 20's. That place in many ways kept my relationship with Jorg alive, as it funded all my travels to and from Europe. It was so odd to be the couple out on a date night in a place where I was once a free flying 20 year old. It also felt nice. This is where I imagined I would be at 36. No matter how challenging things get or cranky I feel sometimes, I know that I don't want it any other way. This is what life is about. This is what I wanted. However, I have become clear that THIS is how I want it. Baby number three, though once an idea that we toyed with, is no longer a vision that I care to entertain. Throughout most of my post puberty existance I have had a strange facination with pregnancy tests. Even a few days late and I would buy one...maybe two even. Who knows, I might need one again next month. The drama around a late period fueled me with hours of high intensity possible situations to envision. "What would we do?" "How would I tell Jorg or my parents?" "What would I do about my work?" So much change rocking my world. Suddenly I would not be in contol of my destiny but instead uprooted and thrust into new circumstances....so exciting....sort of like a backwards lottery ticket....one you don't really want to win...."Just imagine the feeling. Just imagine the moment...." But now I really really don't want to win that ticket. I like our lives. I like our little family. I like my slowly returning freedoms. Julien is almost two. It kind of takes that long to get a sense of my own life again...have evenings...be able to go out. I don't want to add another member to this family...but I also don't want to make big changes to our bodies....take pills.....have operations....meddle. So what do I do now? How many more tests will I have to buy? How do I make sure that when I look in that little window we are still walking on that thin blue line?