Now I lay me down to sleep.....

Sitting in bed next to Lukas tonight. Our bodies are tired from a big hike up to Sterling Pond. I've turned the lights out but soft low light comes through the corners of his star curtains I made him 2 years ago. I'm stroking his hair and about to sing songs when he offers me a window into his active and somewhat worried world. "I wish fires were only pretend. If a fire happens here at our house and I can't get baby out, we can find the person who made baby and ask them to make another one." "If I say something will I make it come true?" "Is that magic?" "I don't want to believe in magic. Magic is scary and kind of exciting." "How do you wake yourself up from a bad dream?" "What is that stuff we can put on the dream catcher to make it clean again so I don't have any more bad dreams?"
All these topics spin us off into a variety of conversations. The light grows dimmer and dimmer until it's dark in the room. The conversation ends with me telling Lukas that if he is worried he can pray. " Do you remember what praying is Lukas?" "No, how do I do it?"
"You can talk with God. You can tell God what you love and what you are thankful for and what you are worried about and what you hope. Some people believe that God is magic. Magic is really all those things that we can't explain....and God really helps us explain all those things that we don't understand and can't explain....God is magic. I pray when I go to bed."
I begin to pray. I thank God for all the beautiful parts of our day and ask God for help with a few things. At the end of my prayer Lukas is asleep.
At moments when our conversations turn to the greater questions of life, the mysteries, I am both deeply excited and also aware of the incredible responsibility I have to introduce this little boy to the many facets of the human experience. What is the best way to comfort? How can I be honest and help him feel safe all at the same time? I have fears. Life is scary sometimes. I don't want to paint the world as a rosy and simple place but he is only 4. So I take a breath and let my intuition help lead me through this brambly maze of questions and answers. I forget that he has all this going on. When he is being a wild little naughty hooligan I forget what a strange place the world is for him. He is still so little. There is so very much that he does not understand. This reminder helps me have compassion for him. It rejuvinates my patience. I sometimes expect too much from him. This ray of vulnerability opens a tender corner of my heart and fills me with love for him. What a gift of experience this parenting is.