turning questions inside out....

Parenting is so public. In the checkout line and my children are whining and demanding and complaining and all those around are watching. Whether they are judging how I respond or not doesn't matter. I feel watched. Sitting in the waiting room at the mechanics and my children are quietly engaged in books and toys. I open my bag and pull out the perfect assortment of healthy snacks which they readily gobble up and thank me for. It doesn't matter what those around me think. I feel watched. I make up the stories of the good mother and bad mother, the good children and the bad children. How can I make the choices that are right for my children and not consider the observers? How can I avoid putting on a show for those around me by either ignoring the behavior to avoid the conflict or scolding so that my imagined audience is satisfied or giving myself grand accolades for my well behaved little prodigies? Lukas has been challenging. Or maybe my eyes have just been opened to how far he has pushed the boundaries of acceptable behavior. He needs clear consequences. He needs follow through. He needs me to sacrifice my plans in order to teach him that he cannot get away with naughty behavior. For this I need to be extremely clear. I am not always good with clarity. I tend to see both sides of an issue. I tend to empathize with my little one. I can see why he might do what he is doing....but that doesn't justify the rightness of what he is doing. I can't just be annoyed with him. I am responsible for shaping him. If he is behaving in inappropriate ways it is my duty to help him behave better. Am I up for this? Lately I want to run away. I don't want to be out in public. I don't want to feel watched. I am not sure what to do. I need a minute to think before I respond but sometimes there just isn't time. I need to respond now....or maybe I don't. Maybe I can take that moment. Maybe I can stop Lukas and say wait.....I need a moment to decide what the next best thing to do is. Let's be quiet for a moment and think. I just miss my buddy. I fear I am losing him. I almost don't remember what it felt like when we were a team. I feel like I do nothing but say no....set limits....disappoint. He can't wait for papa to come home. He wants nothing but to be with Jorg. Falling in love with my children was the easy part....keeping them from eating small objects or falling off the stairs....but how do I help them to be respectful, responsible citizens of this world? How do I help them grow up to be people that I will want to be with and who will want to be with me?